A little bit of a personal one today guys and gals. I recently just read a blog that at the moment that I can really relate too.
Which you can read HERE. And while I also have issues with my body I also have other issues floating around my head that I can’t seem to get rid of.
I know we all suffer with a lot of ups and downs and you’re all probably thinking “Oh not another personal blog” well too bad. I guess this is a way of expressing my emotions and to see how many people will actually read it and can relate to any of it.
I don’t have a lot of girlfriends I can hang out with and chat too about these issues as they have families, partners or it takes a flight to go and see them. You see those photos of girls with their posse of friends. You know the ones I’m talking about. Yeah I envy that. And I know what you’re thinking. “Go out there and make some new friends”. That’s easier said than done my friend. I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself even though I get a lot of compliments about my looks (not to toot my own horn) it’s not all about what’s on the outside. We females, we all compare ourselves to other women and it’s bad.
My other point about my confidence is that I don’t feel like I’m good enough to be just anything. I have dreams of doing many things but its grabbing life by the balls and doing it that makes me feel sick every time I think about it. I’ve always wanted to go and work overseas but the thought about going alone is terrifying. I would love to take better photos but to me I feel like I need to go and take a course but don’t have the confidence to apply for one as I don’t feel I can retain all that knowledge in my head. My Mum has even said to me that I got the low confidence thing from her because she suffers with it but has an amazing husband there to guide and help her do things she never thought she’d do.
Recently I tried looking at getting a working visa to go to the USA (I had my reasons to move there but we won’t get into that). To get a working visa you need to have a degree. And I don’t have one of those. I read all the different types of visas and none of them applied to me. This was when I started feeling like I wasn’t good enough and useless.
I always think to myself “is there any point to writing down my experiences, my adventures, my emotions? will someone ever read this? People are already documenting a lot of things you’ve done so why bother writing about stuff that people already read about?” It’s these thoughts that are always on my mind and I know people tell me to just stop thinking about it, but it’s hard not to.
My whole life I have been struggling to just fit in anywhere. I felt like I didn’t fit in with my high school friends. I felt like I wasn’t smart enough to be in their group. I have felt unwanted by my Dad since my parents spilt when I was just the ripe old age of 10. I’ve never fully experienced what it’s like to have a long term boyfriend, I’ve lost some really close friends over the years and have become friends with one of them again (so glad he’s back in my life), while I was living with my sister, her boyfriend moved in and towards the end I just couldn’t handle the 2 against 1 thing so I moved out and lived out of a suitcase for 2 weeks bed hopping from one place to another (Another part of my life where I felt unwanted) My belongings were held at my uncles and my old housemate’s mums place; the only piece of paper I have the relates to study is a certificate in business. I moved back home to save money only to spend it on 2 holidays over the last 21 months and I have let people walk all over me throughout my life, whether it is family, friends or guys.
I’ve never had the confidence to travel alone hence why I’ve done 3 Contiki tours, I feel like I’m going nowhere with my job, I worked 2 jobs for 7 years trying to survive on the little money I earn. Half the time I’m with people I feel like when I start talking they just ignore me and have their own little conversations. I try at least 3 times to say what I want to say and then I just give up, I feel like family is suppose to support you no matter what you do, but to me more than half my family doesn’t seem to care. I feel like people judge me because they are forever saying “Krista, you’re always planning or going on holidays” – ah it’s what keeps me going since I don’t have a house, a partner or children in my life, I feel that when people hear I like to make travel videos that they think I’m being an idiot for doing so and judge me. People have told me before that I take way too many photos. Ah I love it and I want to keep as many memories with me on a hard drive. There is lack of communication in all aspects of my life and I’m sick and tired of not being a part of it even though I tell people to tell me what’s going on.
This past week I have been really feeling down and out and sometimes can’t not control my tears. There have been days at work where I’ve had to pull myself aside for just a minute or 5. Even as I write this I can feel the tears starting to swell up in my eyes. This is not where I thought I would be in life even though I had no clue where I wanted to be at the age of 27. People say that when you work hard, your dreams come true. Yeah that’s a little tough to do if you don’t have a lot of confidence in yourself.
My mind is forever thinking about these things and it drives me up the wall. For once I would just love it if my mind just stopped so I can just relax for a bit. I also stress about the future even though we can’t control it.
Sorry, actually I’m not sorry for writing something personal on my website. At least people will now know that there is an emotional person behind Krista’s Wandering Footprints. What I need to do is also be a bit more honest with myself, don’t give a f*** what people think of me and do what I love and “write” now it’s working on my website. I hope that one day my writing skills will get better as well as my photographs and videos. I’m already proud of what I have accomplished so far and that’s all the matters.
It’s my life and I need to live it the way I want because you only get one shot at it, may as well make it a story worth telling.